Dear Members of the Management:
In all fairness, we must finally register our indignation and outrage at the absurd and abusive treatment to which we, your chickens, have been subjected in recent weeks.
We will be brief in registering the atrocities we have endured, but we must insist on going on the record with our complaints and insist on remediation of the situation immediately.
First, you shortened our daylight hours to a mere nine or ten hours of feeble sunlight. We have work to accomplish, laying eggs and scratching for bugs. Both of these activities require copious amounts of daylight to do successfully. Everyone knows that egg production is an arduous activity that requires at least 12 hours of sunlight. Although you have installed two dim bulbs, which you amusingly call energy-efficient, they in no way mimic the true brilliance of the natural sunlight to which we are rightfully entitled.
Second, you lowered the outdoor temperatures to an uncomfortable level. Some days it barely reaches above 30 degrees outdoors. Although you have installed a heating system within the coop, we must point out that it does not extend to the outdoors, thus creating a hardship for all of us hens when we venture past the window and into the outdoor run. We must make the difficult decision to stay indoors huddled next to the panel heater or brave the elements for a bit of fresh air and bug scratching. Again, outdoor warmth is a basic right to which we feel we are entitled.
Although these first two complaints are significant to the extent to warrant investigation by the animal humane authorities and the chicken workforce health and safety officials, it is your recent actions that are the most negatively extreme and egregious use of your management powers.
This thing you spread on the ground (you call it “snow”), is frightfully cold, wet and uncomfortable. It caused us to remain within the coop walls—cooped up, so to speak—for a full three days before you provided relief in the way of scattered leaves and shoveling that allowed us to exit for some exercise and air. U.S. airline passengers are provided with more amenities during periods of such confinement! To add insult to injury, you continued your war of inconvenience with the diminished sunlight and reduced outdoor temperatures.
The most hideous abuse of power, however, is your refusal to open the gate for our customary late-afternoon walkabout in the yard. We have consulted the calendar and calculate that it has been nearly TWO WEEKS since you have afforded us the opportunity to patrol for bugs and stretch our wings outside the confines of the coop and outdoor run. Outrageous!
It is beyond the bounds of decency how you can manage a flock under these conditions and yet expect us hens to maintain our efficiency in egg production and bug control. Your extreme insensitivity to the plight of us chickens during these past few weeks boggles our minds. We are confused. We are resentful. And we insist on correction of each of these situations immediately.
Respectfully yours,
The Chickens
P.S.
We have the phone number for the SPCA and we’re not afraid to use it.
December 28th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Robin,
You crack me up! I wish desperately that i had some witty bit to add to this wonderful post, but alas, I am giggling too hard.
Keep up the good work, despite any legal ramifications.
Oh, one thing- don’t let ‘em unionize!
December 28th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Those chickens sound like they mean business! But they are so bird-brained, thinking you control the seasons and the weather! How funny!
Carol´s last blog ..Reading John Wooden, Our Thoughts Turn To Gardening
December 28th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
If you sent them up to our chicken coop for a “vacation” they would understand how good they have it. But I think they would be too confused at the change of scenery to notice the lack of light bulb (dim or otherwise) and heat.
Kathy from Cold Climate Gardening´s last blog ..Ellis Hollow Calendar Will Inspire Your Gardening
December 28th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Lol! I was just thinking how rough it must be for our chickens, too!
December 28th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I agree with Christina – don’t let them organise and unionize! Be glad they can’t carry picket signs!
I wonder if they sell little chicken booties to protect their tender toes in the snow. They’d be impractical, but cute.
Must admit that my AZ chickens never had to deal with snow, that is an eggregious offense (pun intended).
December 28th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Don’t let the chickens read “Click, Clack, Moo.” It will give them even more ideas.
Mr. McGregor’s Daughter´s last blog ..Red, Green and Blue
December 28th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Those poor chickens! They do have excellent penmanship however!
Carrie´s last blog ..Some Winter Images
December 28th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Hysterical!! You are very clever. I imagine that is exactly what they are thinking. However, they should be reminded how much worse it could actually be. They (unlike others) have some form of indoor heat!
December 28th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Who knew chickens could be so articulate? LOL. Btw, I read the first line on Facebook and it piqued my interest. There’s a lot to be said for a great opening sentence…and for panel heaters, poor biddies.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Dear Chickens, I am thinking of whipping up a chicken and egg omelet and calling it “Mother and Child Reunion” so pipe down and get back to your happy clucking.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
I have always been a union supporter but this time my sympathies are with management. gail
Gail´s last blog ..In The Pink
December 29th, 2009 at 6:35 am
If you have the power to do something about these complaints I have some animals who would be interested in hiring you to represent them.
heather´s last blog ..A Christmas Story
December 29th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Uh oh, the chickens are getting restless! The next thing you know, they’ll be getting leggal representation.
Cindy, MCOK´s last blog ..Why I Garden
December 29th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
This is hilarious! Poor chickens!!!!
Shannon´s last blog ..A Healthy Eater’s Charlie Brown Moment
December 29th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
What an articulate flock you have! And their grammar is wonderful too–everything eggzackly right. But can’t you knit them some little shawls to put around their shoulders? I just know they’d love that, and they would look so cute ad not feel the cold so much.
December 30th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Chicken revolutions can get ugly. Witty chickens aren’t they? I think they will unionize. Thanks for the chuckle.
Layanee´s last blog ..Hoarfrost on Almost Wordless Wednesday – 12-30-09
December 31st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Wow. Sensitive birds. You’ve seriously ticked them off. They do know they are edible, right?
Jim/ArtofGardening.org´s last blog ..I’ve designed my second book…
December 31st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Hilarious! I especially love the postscript. I’d like to protest against winter sometimes, too
But I don’t have the SPCA to get the weather gods to cooperate.
Meredith´s last blog ..tempus fugit
January 2nd, 2010 at 4:34 am
There’s nothing worse than a bunch of unhappy chickens. They will probably all go on ‘egg strike’ with immediate effect.
January 5th, 2010 at 3:26 am
Brilliant! Their expressions are hilarious with this post.
January 5th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Sometimes I feel like my 3 pullets are giving me the evil eye for not letting them out of the run as much after The Raccoon Incident, but I might be projecting. Chickens are not well known for their facial expressiveness.
I adore your blog, and I have to ask you, how do you manage so many free ranging chickens and still maintain such a beautiful garden? 2 hens absolutely decimated my yard and trampled through my laughably meager vegetable patch. I notice even in your chicken garden there remains vegetation… what voodoo is this?
January 5th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
Oh Robin,
Don’t egg them on.
Get them a sun lamp, play some Hawaiian music for them, and get them a treadmill for their afternoon “walkabout.”
Robin, don’t chicken out, stick to your beliefs.
Sharon Lovejoy Writes from Sunflower House and a Little Green Island
January 14th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
This is hilarious, and I’ve been imagining that tortoise has been thinking much the same thing. “Please, sir, might I go outside in the sun? It’s cold in here.” Sorry, son, there is no sun. Better luck in a couple of months or so…
Matt´s last blog ..Shade-loving perennial edibles
January 15th, 2010 at 8:09 am
Our chickens have had to scratch in the snow for the last couple of weeks. They are demanding warm boots too!
January 19th, 2010 at 10:24 pm
I would find myself a good representative and plead irreconcilable weather conditions to the aggrieved parties (i.e., the chickens). Perhaps they would settle for a greenhouse enclosure in the interim…
Carolyn´s last blog ..The waiting is the hardest part